Fear of Making Mistakes
9/4/2023
Ever since I can remember I have always hated playing games. Whether it was boardgames, like Life or Monopoly, or outdoor games like badminton or softball, I hated playing it. Growing up, my family was quite competitive and games were played to win, not to have fun and enjoy spending time together. So I equated playing games with feelings of dread, and shame. And so rather than risk experiencing that discomfort, I would choose not participate.
Lost Opportunities
This attitude, created in childhood, followed me into adult life. As a result, it has unfortunately kept me from trying a variety of new things, from hobbies, to sports, and even jobs. If I wasn't perfect at something the first time, I would quit. Or because I didn't feel I could risk doing something less than perfect, I wouldn't even try.
Painting Lessons
Several years ago, I decided to try painting. My neighbor, an accomplished artist, was giving watercolor painting lessons out of her home. At first I enjoyed learning a new skill, and meeting new people. But gradually I'd get frustrated, always comparing my paintings to others who'd been practicing for years. Eventually after a year, I quit.
Newfound Wonder
Recently, I've wanted to challenge those old beliefs. I don't want my self-worth to be determined by how well I do at something. I want to try things just for the fun of it. What I've found when I focus on the process instead of the end result, is that I actually enjoy painting again. I enjoy mixing paint together to create new colors on my palette. I like the feel of the brush strokes on the paper.
I imagine it's what a child feels like when they color or paint. They aren't trying to produce a masterpiece, they just enjoying creating. I'm hoping to recapture that childlike state of curiosity and wonder. Focusing on the process, staying in the present moment, and just allowing myself to experiment and play.